Tonight I feel no Pain..!

Tonight, i feel no pain
I found, what looked like lost to me
A part of me, the rest of my life

I could see it, Wish i could feel it

like a crystal ball it appeared - out of nowhere
it disappeared.

Answers to the unthinkable questions, I got
Knots did open, of every sort

Glasses were clear, clear the vision
Clear was the picture, the rest of my life

Tonight, I washed my pain,
From the spring's - hot water
Now, I am clean, painless..
& Death awaits me now,,
so does peace..!

waiting for you ..tasted like coffee

Gone are the days! Waiting was like the blue eyes of the princess of my dreams.
It had a flavour, it tasted like coffee or was it a toffee..

Happiness was a cheap as a Coffee bite
To my love, my sweetheart, you got it right

Times Changed, Changed were the people around
Nonetheless, you and me, on the ground

Small town, Snow on street, Rahul and Tweed
A journey, a Shrine, and tears were freed

Time passed by, relief and sigh, hand in hand
Together we went, on someone’s death, on a different land

Spaces grew, a 1000 miles, but you were near
I talked to you, reiterated, through a frame so dear

I came back, fought with time and space, and you were there!
Happiness and fate, kissed my feet, and you were there!

You still are! I already know! But don’t know Why
There is a void! An empty space, I don’t know Why

To my love for your love…!

Don’t know why…!
But it is sane to me
Whatever you do to me..
Leave me or save me..

92747 a numeral you say
Don’t know why..!
But it is sane to me.
As I have number that I say

Is it today have I understood
Insane it was
And now it is sane to me
Whatever you do
Resembling to you, is me
You can’t as I can’t
You helpless more than me
You in need far more than me

Should I laugh or cry with you
Don’t know..what a deep wound is?
Being me or is it
Or is it being you..
Don’t know..what prayers ought
Praying for you or just for you
Day will come, I’m telling you
That day I won’t love you

Don’t know why…!
But it is sane to me
Whatever you do to me..
Leave me or save me..

92747 a numeral you say
Don’t know why..!
But it is sane to me.
As I have number that I say

Forget me, me trivial
You’ll get what you need
Unfair was life for you and me
But now I set you free
Somewhere in the music of the heartbeat
The numeral beats with every beat
See the fate will kiss your feat
That day you’ll forget me
don’t know why, but its sane to me
you in need far more than me



...........to be contd

Am i dual...!

Who're ya? I asked
I ask, ask the mirror..!
Look at ya, Is that you?
Heart empty, blood on face,
scattered, shattere, I murmured...
I ask, ask the mirror..!
I killed me, can't you see,
smothered, in void,
my hands, my knees, ain't the bruised..
I ask, ask the mirror..!
Shadows, voices, come and go,
do something, atleast some..
Pleasure! Is in limitless pain,
it'll only keep you sane,
keep me sane? I'm who?
Am I, Am I dual..!
Hopeless, yet optimist,
what if fury gave you fist,
desires are lost in mist,
what you wan't? What's the gist?
Desire to die, and hope to live...
Am I, Am I dual..!

Feelings Catalyzed Again..!

Bruised I was, helpless
Lost I was, Clueless
Tag I had, baseless
Explanation was, needless
Was I? or not? Flawless
Coldblooded and Emotionless
Then came You, My sunshine
New bottle with old wine
Mind's eye or was it?
Heartbeat or was it?
A witch, I tell ya
Witchcrafts I tell ya
Magic! it cant be
And Love, Was never to be
I bend, I ask, Give me a chance
Can I, Can I see, My destiny's dance
Destiny's Date, you had it once..
Yes you lost it, all at once

Lift me!

I'm shredded, lift me!
In the vale of desperation, lift me!
I'm strayed, lift me!
I'm deceased, lift me!
In the deep ocean,
I'm drowned, lift me!
In the secluded spot,
I'm perished, lift me!
I'm deluded, lift me!
In the intense morass,
I'm bogged down, lift me!
I'm hopeless, lift me!
In the world of deception,
I'm caught, lift me!
I'm fragmented, lift me!
In the treacherous tempest,
I'm striving, lift me!
I'm niggled, lift me!
In the midst of blizzard,
I'm stumbling, lift me!
I'm in deep slumber, lift me!
In the dream of rage,
I'm demolished, lift me!
I'm flustered, lift me!
In the dale of wrack,
I'm scorched, lift me!
I'm stifled, lift me!
In the vicious diabolicity,
I'm captured, lift me!

Blood in my eyes...! Dedicated to all the martyrs of kashmir, by Mavericks...

MAVERICKS will remember ... (rememberance is a sweet pain for those who remember)..

(This One is for everyone who has been a part of me, for everyone who's seperation has hurted me yet strengthened my reason for being, this one is for all the martyrs of Kashmir )

My eyes are filled with dust, and i have washed my eyes with my own Blood, and now every objet of this sentient world is so filled with blood of my eyes, that, bloody is the Sun's gold, bloody the moons Silver, the mornings laughter , the night's cries...

Every Tree is merinated in blood, every flower blood eyed, every glance a streak of blood, every reflection blood soaked.

True..!

• 
  
  Ture! I'm not a Poet


• 
  
  But! Having written every Poem


• 
  
  The, Anxiety grows more and more


• 
  
  While another Image is Broken...

PROMISES BOUND TO BREAK:

Under d sweet shadow of d coconut glade,
Besides the sweet dance of the waves,
As the sun rays march along,
Be with me my sunshine...

With our feet facing the waves,
Your hand in mine, with all at peace,
Make me smile, just for a moment,
As i ask u fr a word, with all my innocense.

Hold my hand firmly in yourz,
Look into my eye's, dont hesitate.
Promise me then, you'll always be here,
Right by my side, just around me.

Promise me dear, whenever i'm alone,
I'll go round the corner and find you.
You'll smile at me as you do now,
And wipe my tears with your strong hands.

Promise me my heart, when i'm in trouble,
You'll come and support me, firm as a rock.
You'll never give up coz,
you are my freind, the best one.

Promise me my angel, you'll always smile,
Coz tears in your eyes make me bleed.
Love me forever, be a freind. A frend, i say,
Coz i kno , u cant be more.

Gather your strength and honour my innocense.
Say that you promise, u promise forever.
In your heart, u may fear that you'll deceive.
But no my dear, there's no sin upon you.

I kno these promises shall have to break.
You just keep your word in your heart,
Remember them is all I ask.
Ah! my dear, I understand--- Some promises are bound to break...

before i really knew you and before i really knew myself...

remebering as we remember the scent of a fresh flower or for that matter rose..are the lucidly said words that made sentences from heaven... i belive in you ..your abilities.. and when i asked do i have any, the reply, was such an effect, inavertedly elpoed where the inhibitions and doubts, i was the master now,,, master of my own fate,,,

remembring the promise and going the other way round of my own selfmade, selfish rules, (promises are meant to be broken) this time it will not work...as i ll be, wrting something to cheer about...

HAPPY IS MY NEW PHILOSHPHY ....
with the punchline...
tension ke to koi baat he nai hai...ALLAH tal'aa kari saahili...

dedicated to all my frenz....
who really care for who am i..//\

I don't know why

Relieved because suicides an option
Happy because I can release my pain 
Guilty because I have a secret
Lost because no one can keep me sane

Being me..

"i am at leisure and i dont have time for myself"

this is what i said this morning, while talkin to a friend of mine, i just said it that time, but here's the question, do i really dont have any time for myself, i can watch IPL matches, even movies, read books other than of my course, novels, play cricket, chat, on Phone, and still i don't have time for me, What does it mean..? Is it I know myself or Is it I don't wana know myself? or is it that I am so busy doing nothing, that i can't do anything else.. i had this habbit of self analysation long before, but now i am a diffirent person alltogeather, lost in search, i do things unlike me,  i want to write even more but i don't know, i want to empty myself from whatever is in my heart, my mind, but i am giving up for i dont have words..

(inane ain't it..?)

I'm Coldblooded, Emotionless!

Notes  to Myself

 

I felt a kind of self revelation, I got one-liners for everything about life and learn from it. I learnt so much about my own self – those things I’d never considered important enough to ponder about earlier. Now isn’t it funny, that how life tells you about things you should have always known on your own at the first place? Apparently I discovered

THE SEASON OF MY MEMORIES:

As the tiny flakes slowly fall,

onto the long thirty earth;

As the snow covers the vale ,

with the white cloth of winter;

My mind wanders into yesterday,

Through those memories, so dear to me.

As i walk down my memory lane,

I see what the last snowfall was like.

The same flakes fell, onto the same land.

The white cloth of winter was no different.

Yet , something has changed n changed for worse.

I no more feel like going out,

I no more feel like becoming a kid.

I have no desire to play.

My eyes await not the glow of the sun,

My heart no more desireth the spring.

There is no feeling of her closeness anymore.

 

That season was different,

My heart was alive;

my eyes awaited her return,

My ears awaited that voice dear to my heart;

My love awaited its destiny.

Sweet was that pain of distance,

Sweet was the world i dwelled in -

the world of our dreams.

But, sweeter still was the bond that made us one,

despite our distance.

 

Today is no different than the last deason.

I stand at the same window,

I stare at the same street.

I love the same soul,

I cherish the same heart.

But, lo! I no more await her return...

 

What i await is an answer,

An answer to my unextinguished tears;

My love awaits no destiny.

It awaits its death to rest in peace

for the sake of the one i so dearly love.........

a letter to everyone whom i dont know..

today i am bloggin for a different reason all togeather, its not about sharing my views about life and politics or of my land.. today let the reason be me, for there is a lot inside me, a whole lot, my friends have always been there for me, whenever i had to say something, i knew there was an patient ear listening, but today i have, i dont want to say it, but i have to, i have lost my friend, i have nobody to tell, but wh0soever reads this blog, my hands are colored with blood as i have mercilessly killed a friendship, i have destoryed what we created, i lost my best friends and perhaps the reason is none but me, i perhaps did it for no reason or for the ultimate reason, i want to say, whihic i havent said for months now, i want to scream and say, but can i. will my friend ever understand, will my friend be able to look at, which i cannot show and will not, would i ever be lost in my friends emrabce, i cant even wish that i could one day. i m lost in a mire a quagmire and i m left with no desires.

there is a lil pain in my heart, coz i killed, what i loved, i killed not only my part of friendship but also my friends part, i am guilty, and my friend is not here to punish me..

i am guilty of seperating my soul from me..

nobody but me..

u just u..

                                    U JUST U

 

U came into my life,

U stayed.

U creeped into my heart,

U stayed.

U absorbed urself into my soul,

I let u... 

 

U said all u wanted,

I listened.

U sang out ur heart,

I listened.

U became my reason 4 being,

I let u...

 

V shared our past, our present, our future,

v did not care.

V had our mistakes, our problemz, our nature,

v did not care.

No matter wot things i feared,

i let u...

 

Time went by, it was so good,

I remember.

We let ourselves lose it all,

i remember.

I never imagined v wud evr look back. So,

i let u...

 

U were n all waz well,

i recall.

Ur luv did it all, it cast a spell,

i recall.

Nay! I did not reckon wot cud be, so,

I let u...

 

I thought i had found my happiness, my luv,

i held it.

I thought i'd all  vich i evr strove 4,

i held it.

U became d drug, dat kept me alive,

i let u...

 

Then  came d tym, u weren't urself,

i bled.

Then came d days, i felt u suffered,

i bled.

U thought me too young 2 undrstand,

 i let u...

 

At last one night u said it,

i felt ur pain.

U said wot u did n wot u wud do,

i felt ur pain.

U thought i cud not feel it all,

Dying to live...by atif..

                                               

Freedom, is a word, which we keep on using, keep on listening to and keep on inflicting in our guts, the first time I listened to this word was when I did not even knew the meaning of it, I don't exactly remember when, but I do exactly remember the sentence, that everyone used to chant, "we want freedom" I grew up a little older, I started chanting it too, yet to come to know and explore its meaning, to me it was something that was mandatory to say, nobody told me or asked to do it, it was just pure instinct that made me do it each and every time whenever I heard people chanting it, it all started once when I was a kiddo and a marriage was being held in our locality, I needed not to be invited, and I was their with all the girls and guys of my age, with a basket which was given to me by somebody for collecting the palates and flowers for the bridegroom, as everyone was waiting for the bridegroom to come, phone was a luxury those days and the conception of a cell phone was absolutely alien, to cut the long story short, means of communication were not that great, and everyone had no choice but to wait for the groom, what happened after that is something that kept me awake several nights and still haunts me right there in my sub conscience, there came an ambassador with the bridegroom in it, and with something which nobody knew and nobody wanted and nobody expected, he came with 3 bullets in his young chest, the bridegroom was now nothing but a corpus, nothing happened, everyone reaction less, and all of a sudden the song "aakho shaherk sheerazu" turned into "asalaam asalaam a shaheed asalaam" I knew not what was going on, but tears trickled out of my eyes, I wanted to cry but I couldn't shout, I turned voiceless, I still remember the screams all around, I still remember everyone crying, it is as fresh to me as the breakfast I had today. It haunts me, I remember the spell it caused around the village, I remember everything, I saw bride mourning for the groom she never had, and later somebody said the sister of that groom lost her mental balance now she stays all day long near the window and throws dust and what not to people passing through her house, I don't know but I am sure, she takes every passenger passing through, as her lost brother and the things she throws on them as flowers and candies and that everything she wanted to do when her brother would come back with the bride its just one story and many more countless stories each person with a story of his own, each person with a pain of his own.

Why am I writing this, why am I sharing what I have not dared to share all these years not even with the people I know, what constrained me to tell you all this, what is the driving force, is it all because of the profusion of time I get nowadays exploring being myself or is it what I witnessed in the recent past, or is it Surfing the net which has more or less become orkutting these days and as I and most of us do these days, I landed up in a friends blog and then a video of you tube, whatever the reason be, here I am, saying that we are still alive in our hearts, we are still not dead, my friend as used to tell that kashmiri's are a dead race, the sentiment here has died, I'm sure he no longer would be using the same phraseology/terminology for the nation he belongs to. Nor will nobody dare say 'the jungle we live in' we have seen our unsung heroes, no dead race or jungle boys, we are the invincible, we did not bow before the oppressor , we retaliated, we have shown that the oppressor can kill at will, take everything from us, use every brutality possible, all viciousness, still he can't  change his fate, we have shown he is still a failure, he is not able to take away the emotion, the outlook, the sentiment, the principles  that we not only live for.

 I am not able to sleep, am I awake? I suppose  I was resting from the last so many years, having lived my childhood my adolescence or having lost it somewhere, I don't really know,  now I want to play my  part, it is my time now, I will try to participate in my own little way, not by pelting stones or raising slogans or burning tyres and blocking the roads, but by giving out whatever little I know and I feel about my land, my nation, the place I live and for the place I will be buried in someday. I would now be a man at peace, I would no longer wrestle with my conscience.